Her daughter-in-law had a medical crisis. It reshaped her understanding of pro-life.
Synopsis
Marcus and his wife Ashley were pregnant with twins, Isla and Marley, when they found out Isla wouldn’t survive. Because of Texas’ abortion ban, they had to leave the state for an abortion to save Ashley and Marley’s lives. Marcus’s mom, Vicky, has always called herself “pro-life.” After seeing her family go through this, her perspective on what it means to be “pro-life” shifted. Vicky and Marcus spoke with Abortion in America in their home in Texas about their family’s experience.
Vicky: I remember getting the text that they had done the sonogram and found that Baby A had a fatal anomaly. The doctor said it was ‘incompatible with life,’ which I hate those words. She wasn’t sure what the next step was. I remember reading that and I read it out loud to Dad. I remember sending the text back to Ashley just weeping, not knowing what was going to happen to the whole pregnancy.
I remember when it did happen, I thought y’all were going to be able to get the help you needed in Houston. Of course, they’ll be able to get the help they need, they’re in Houston. And then [your brother] said, “No, Mom, they won’t be able to get help here.” I was dumbfounded by it.
Marcus: Our doctor was fantastic, but she offered really no guidance in terms of next steps forward, and what to do or where to look.
Vicky: Because her hands were tied. She was fearful, not just for herself, but for her staff. And the only help that you got was that they offered you a pamphlet to a funeral home. Because they knew that if both babies were carried to term, they knew that Baby A was going to die. Do politicians even think about that? They say they were there to support women who are pregnant, but are they going to give us money for a funeral?
Marcus: Of course not.
Vicky: Are you going to do that for us? Are you going to be able to support the psychology and psychiatry that you’re gonna need after such a loss? The PTSD that you have to go through?
Marcus: Yeah, of course not, but they claim they’re pro-life all day.
Vicky: It was terrible to see them have to go through that as a parent. It was hard trying to figure out what the right thing to do was. Was it okay for them to be doing this? It was all hard.
One thing you’re always trying to do is to protect your children. This was not something we could protect them from. And when you can’t protect them, you think, “Surely, we can make this as easy as we possibly can.”
And they didn’t get that.
They didn’t get anything here.
Editor’s note: After Marcus and Ashley learned that Baby A’s skull had not developed properly, leaving the brain exposed, they understood they had two options: wait for Baby A to die, putting Ashley and Baby B at risk, or travel out of state for an abortion to protect their lives. They ultimately traveled to Colorado for care, using their family savings to do so.
Marcus: Now that we’ve gone through this experience, you say you’re pro-life, and anyone, anywhere in America, for the most part, would ask, “Okay, then what was your support for this? And how can you be okay with what we went through?”
But say someone, maybe a single woman who is choosing at this time to not have a child for whatever reason, why can’t she have an abortion?
Which, again, abortion slightly hurts to say, but that’s because of how I was raised in a deeply Catholic household. It shouldn’t hurt to say, because it’s health care. I find it slightly contradictory to say that what we did was okay, which was absolutely necessary, but a single woman, or someone who can’t afford it, or someone who’s in an abusive relationship, can’t make that same choice.
Vicky: Abortion doesn’t need to be a bad word. Abortion is health care. Now, as a Catholic pro-lifer, I believe that.
Now, in my situation, if it was a contraceptive issue, I wouldn’t be able to do that. But I’m not going to blame a woman in her situation, whatever it is. A relationship issue, a financial issue, a health issue—if that’s something that she needs to do, who are we to tell her that she can’t?
We should be there to support one another, whatever the situation.
If it’s something that she has to do for her family or for herself, I would support that.
I mean, abortion would not have been something I would have been able to do myself. I’m 66 years old.
Marcus: Right, and that’s the point.
Vicky: Because of the way that I was raised, I wouldn’t have been able to make those choices because I felt so strongly about the Catholic faith.
Marcus: As is your right and prerogative. But that’s the point, right? Every woman, every healthy, consensual couple—and ultimately the woman—should be able to have that choice.
Vicky: Absolutely, I agree.
Marcus: In our instance, Ashley and I talked about this several times. We talked about how, for some people, holding your dying child—as horrible as that would be—might feel cathartic, and that’s the goodbye they need.
But to us, to Ashley and me, that was never acceptable.
Vicky: And that’s where people’s choice comes in. Everybody has a different capacity to handle different things.
It would have been a hard decision for me to make. I’m so glad y’all made the decision that y’all made. Because of this, Ashley is healthy and Marley is healthy. You have gone through hell to have this beautiful baby. How could anybody deny that?
That’s why my feeling is the way it is. But I am open to everybody’s thoughts about it, especially after this. This situation for us completely changed my thinking.
This situation for us completely changed my thinking.
Marcus: I guess I’m slightly confused still by your claim that you’re pro-life, just based on how those definitions exist today. When Ashley and I were discussing telling you, we were scared, honestly, of your reaction and Dad’s reaction.
Regardless, we were going to move forward. Of course, it would have just been much harder without y’all’s emotional support, right? But your reaction and Dad’s reaction has been nothing but loving and supportive. And I can’t thank you enough for it.
Vicky: It was horrific for everybody to go through. I know it was horrific for you. I know it was horrific for Ashley—my God, what she had to go through.
To me, pro-life is loving each other and loving life. What y’all did was merciful, but what you did was also pro-life. You saved Marley’s life. If Isla had died before viability, Marley wouldn’t be here. Can you imagine a life without her?
Maybe I should stop saying pro-life. Women should have a choice. Nobody should be able to tell women what they can and can’t do to their body.
If a young woman came to me and wanted advice because she was pregnant and afraid, I would try to figure out why, because children are true blessings. But I also understand there are many situations where women can’t have children. I would walk with her, even if she had to go for an abortion.
Marcus: Maybe she’d be receptive to that.
Vicky: Exactly. I would try—but I wouldn’t blame her if she felt she had to make that choice.
So maybe that’s pro-choice after all.
If this happened to you or someone you love, contact Abortion in America or reach out to our team directly at Amplify Legal.
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